Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Okay today I have said No. No I do not want that, and no I will not pay for them. I feel very sick. I feel very anxious. I also feel myself in a bit of panic wondering how will the other person react when they find out? I know this is irrational on one level but on another it fills me with incredible dread. I should be able to say no, to not incur a debt, without feeling as if I have done something really bad. It was difficult, but I dont want to carry this debt, so I had to tell the agent, no I dont want it. It all makes me feel awful, embarrassed and yet again compromised.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Today I realised that that nagging doubt in the pit of my stomach was actually real. I needed to listen. I needed to understand the voices inside that were motivating me to continue to behave and act in ways that prevent me from being happy. I realised that I live in a constant phase of guilt and fear. Guilt at not pleasing others and fear of not being loved if I dont please others. Striving for happiness I think I actually manage to saboutage myself and end up feeling resentful, alone and yet again under attack, without knowing why. I was half listening to Dr Phil talk about enmeshment with parents of a troublesome teenager, when the penny finally dropped. This was me. I became enmeshed in my relationships, my need to fix things is constant and high. I seem to fall for the easy route out in all conflictual circumstances; that is I give in. I acquiese and do something NOT in my interests but which sounds quite rational for other/s at the time. Am I guilty of buying love? Am I guilty of actually crippling others? Why do I have to say NO? Afterwards I wish I had said no, but at the time I just dont seem to function and it all becomes a cyclic process. I agree with other/s, I give up something and then I get resentful when they dont respond to my need for ....... what is it that happens. I am not so sure as yet, but at least I think I have touched on a very raw nerve.